06.20.09
Sales, Pails, and, By God, Them Damn Stair Rails
Jeez, it’s been two and a half months since my last post, and I must say that I have missed WordPress something terrible.
I have major news, upon news, upon some more news! I sold my business to a franchise, one with Book in its title. I couldn’t be more happy with the money I made, but I will be sad to watch it go. I made a deal for my current employees to either get jobs with this new company or get some great looking severance checks. I know how to take care of my peeps. I was caught by a neighbor on the street the other day; she told me that the block wouldn’t be the same without me and my book rentals and Friday and Saturday coffee and breakfast sales. I have no idea what I am going to do once the store is truly no longer mine. Sleep? and uninstall Quickbooks?! lol btw, I reassured Jesse that not only would I keep her on my payroll until I was finished with the store and gone, but I would also help her get another good job with fabulous recommendations and such. I really should’ve gone it Public Relations.
Next item: Bella’s wedding weekend on Jekyll Island was fabulous, except for the fact that Skippy and I got in this HUGE fight the day before we were supposed to drive down there and he didn’t go. We were fighting because he did not want me to sell my business and I didn’t want him to go to an interview in D.C. for the government. When I got back, he let my hangover wear off before we began the discussion over. He listened to my business and eventually agreed it was probably the smartest thing for me to do. I listened to him and still fussed with him over getting a job based in Washington. Eventually, he agreed to stick with his at-home work until he could find something better in GA. The whole stay-at-home all the time working is getting to him.
Anyways, the wedding was great. we drank and partied and got sand everwhere. I got tanner, Halley got redder, and Bella got high after the reception and went skinny dipping. Good times… Bella’s wedding reminded me of the summer we all graduated, or what I remember of it 
The waiter did look a lot like this guy that i had spent the week with at his condo…
More news: We are moving. I will go ahead and forewarn you of future bitching about Scott’s inability to handle moving, no matter how much he wants it. At first, we were debating a country house closer to his family on the GA/AL border, but then I fell in love with this townhouse in the historic district of Savannah and that was all she wrote. Who cares that we’re paying an ungodly amount of money for a 1/4 acre! It’s 30 frickin minutes to Tybee and the beach! And, for an hour more we could go to the more private islands. I am so damn excited to go back to Savannah, and to make things better, we are nowhere near my mother or sisters! Hot Damn how lucky! I hate that the fireplaces are closed up but fell for the built-in bookshelves!!! I thinking of either getting a job at a library or something of the other. Also, I found the website that Skip’s been looking for jobs on and there is an opening for a budget analyst for the Army near where we are moving. Coincidence or fate? 
Hauser has been dropping by at very inopportune times to remind me that he has a business associate down in Savannah and will be visiting us. I continue to remind him that no time in the near century will I be leaving Scott for him, no matter how much he tries. However, I’ve gotta watch out for him. Hauser’s like the ugly puppy that you end up letting in just cause it is relentless, but Hauser is not ugly in any way.
I’m off to go back to the store to continue to go through the books to filch the ones I wanted.
04.06.09
I Been Bad
Yes, I have. I’m wearing the most beautiful, most expensive, piece of jewelry that I’ve ever touched in my entire life and Saturday I find myself drooling over a Bulgari ad on the New York Times website, which turned into a quick click to read the story on Bulgari’s “Save The Children” line of jewelry, that became an hour long perusing of the Bulgari website. I have an addiction to spending money.
To counteract this addiction, I have signed up to volunteer at a food bank over in dekalb county, a summer program at this big methodist church that me and Jake used to go to, and am on the contact sheet for the same church’s tutoring program starting in the fall. This has been a thought in the making toward action. It culminated in the store the other day when this college student tried to judge me based on how I was dressed and the fact that I was sitting there looking at Nordstrom’s website. She tried to get into it with me over my shallow and materialistic habits and I totally ripped her a new one. I know envy may have played a part in her outburst, but there was a lesson that she needed to learn: Public Behavior. *sigh* I was once very outspoken about my beliefs too, but it is imperative that we all learn the right place, the right time, and the right way to go about promoting our views.
Anyway… Feeling a bit guilty is not the sole reason for me finally having found somewhere where I can help those that have not had the luck that I have. My junior and senior year in college, myself, a few friends (from the many clubs and organizations I participated in), my RA, and my economics professor’s TA (who I may or may not have been fooling around with at the time) met up and started volunteering at multiple churches, food banks, homeless shelters, and even Boy & Girls of America. So, I feel its way past high time I get back into volunteering. My mother runs a clothing drive several times a year, and my father would open up his farm to the public as a summer program for teens who needed a job or even just a place to be during the day, my family has never been one to shy away from sharing what we have.
When I told Scott about it, he pulled me into a hug and said, “Well haven’t you had a busy day?” and grinned. I don’t know how he can be so unfazed about anything and everything. I could tell him that I was growing a purple toe, and he would laugh and ask if I needed help doing my pedicure. We got to talking about it, and he wasn’t surprised at all the work I had done my junior and senior year. In fact, his parents used to work with Habitat For Humanity and even went out to Louisiana to clean up after Katrina. That’s where his brother met his wife.
In this downward-spiraling economy, no help offered will be turned away, and until we get out of this downslide, I will be doing all I can, withing good reason. I don’t want to have a sleep-deprivation-caused breakdown like I did halfway through my senior year.
Happy spring break to all of those that are on vacation this week!
03.30.09
A Little Insight Goes A Long Way…
I don’t like seeing my own flaws in somebody else’s life… I don’t think anybody does. It emphasizes them, hyperbolizes them, and just drives me effing crazy! I watched Sex & The City (The movie) tonight, and although I loved it, I noticed one too many things in it that mirrored myself. Yeah, the shoes made me drool. I swear I said, “I love her shoes!” every scene change, which equated to every 3-5 minutes
Anyway, never have I ever watched a movie that hit me so close to home that I wanted to cry. The last time I cried during a movie, I was watching Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron with my niece. No lie. However, the whoel thing between Carrie and Big with his fear of commitment and her taking over was just… made me think- except I couldn’t think because I was speechless. I just sat there, on the couch in my pjs and bridesmaid shoes (get there in a minute), forcing myself not to cry and/or point this out to Skip, who was in the office arguing with his accountant. However, I do believe the gender roles have reversed, which both freaks me out and makes me relieved that I am not the selfish one (*cough* I used to be though…).
I do believe this week will be a time of self-evaluation. I am going to take a good look at myself, and I will figure out what the F&!$ is going on that makes me so unhappy sometimes. At least I am not Samantha, ’cause I don’t think I could give up Bubby the way she broke up with her guy. After the movie ended (and I drained my wineglass), I tossed myself into Scott’s lap, kissed him, and told him that I was never going to leave him.
He laughed, made some highly raunchy remark about me showing up in his lap drunk, and then kissed me back saying something that I will never forget. “I would let you go if it made you happy, but I thank heaven everyday that you’re happy with me.” Isn’t he the best? I think that’s why I get into these funks. I feel like I don’t deserve a man who can be both demanding in what he wants, but he also gives in order to not scare me away. Personally, I have horrible timing and give when I’m supposed to demand and vice versa.
On a shallower note, my bridesmaid shoes are the shit. I don’t know why I never bought these shoes before, but they are mine now! I went a little crazy with the Blahnik’s because I bought three pairs of shoes, officially killing any thought of a spring vacation that I had been having. Blahnik is officially my favorite… well it’s a tight race with Louboutin and a few others
These are for the wedding. They were cheap compared to the other 2 that I got, and I have a thing for high heels with ankle straps. Besides, I’d rather have on shoes that it’s easy to get sand out of than have on pumps and still be shaking out sand 6 months later.
I will find a reason to wear these; I’ve seen some just like them and pined over them ever since they came out.
I finally got something in animal print. I feel so dirty for following this trend, but I look so good in them that any trend-following woe is instantly canceled out.
You do not want to know just how close I came to buying these babies, but they were too much of a star in Sex & the City… it went to their head
With my obsession, I might as well start a fashion blog and throw in a personal post once a month. That’s what it feels like I do sometimes. I am now broke; Scott says I wear broke well… the ass. lol He won’t be laughing when he’s paying the rent next month, I’ll tell you now.
It’s amazing how we still haven’t merged our finances. I think we haven’t done so yet because he doesn’t want me to know just how Richie Rich he be, and I don’t want him to know that I have been slowly dabbling in my inheritance and not paying myself out of the bookstore. Bad economic times suck ass! This’ll be the last shoe binge I do for quite a while, which sucks. I am a shoe addict and proud of it. I can vintage clothing store shop like a pro mofo, but shoes are sacred. They go on your feet for God’s sake! I don’t want something on my feet that somebody else wore doing only God knows what. Boys and girls, I had to burst your bubbles but, you cannot get “life” out of satin pumps.
Side note: Bella, Halley, when you read this, voicemail swear your silence, love you guys
Off to watch Twilight again… don’t even get me started on this one.
Too bad I can’t be the woman who lives in a shoe (but no kids cause one would be more than what I would know what to do with ), cause then I would have more homes than Brad and Angelina.
03.26.09
Verbal Retardation
Everybody goes through this, right? You know, those moments… days… sometimes, months where you are just unable to get your mouth to form the words that you had so easily sent down that short neural pathway a mere moment before. (ok so i took quite a bit of psychology and anatomy before I learned just how lazy, and squeamish, I really was.)
Anyway, between allergies reducing me to muffled monotones and sleepless nights, it seems Scott sleep-elbows when he is having a hard time sleeping, I am one misunderstood being. With this new voluntary silence, I stay home for the most part im-ing Jesse all day. Besides, I get more done at home…. That’s a lie Skippy’s been at home too, so we’ve gotten nothing accomplished this past week, except maybe re-effing up my knee and giving each other minor concussions. He was showing me some of his martial arts moves, I threw in one of my WWE learned moves, and it went to hell in a bruised handbasket from there. But, it hasn’t all been decorating the home office and wrestling. I’ll say some of my wounds are from love, not war, and drop it there…
Uh Hum. Ah, yes, the home office. Well, we took my old desktop pc to the nearest Goodwill last week and painted Friday night. The walls are dark khaki, the chair rail and moldings are black, and the wall below the chair rail is black as well. The old futon guest bed went into storage, and he brought in this worn black leather couch that his cousin had supposedly been saving for him since after college. It looks clean and some scented leather oil perfected it. I already had a huge executive-looking black desk chair that I stole from a professor freshman year, so we just painted his big desk black and replaced the door pulls with pewter ones… perfecto!! I finished the room off with bright red throw pillows from this little textile store I know, some red desk essentials since all mine either got broken or ended up in my office at the store, and some black and white pictures.
I swear the tv could go in there, and we would never touch the main room again! We spent all day today in there, and it was heaven. Skippy working at the desk on his brand-spanking new laptop, and me sprawled on the couch with the dogs reading and trying not to think about the tax work that I’ve been semi-working on every evening.
Wedding mess is going well… for now. She hasn’t decided to start calling me at 4 in the morning freaked out about something like some other half bridezilla I knew, but the moment she does, I have her permission to hang up on her, storm her apartment, and kidnap her for 2 days… one day for the beatings and another for a spa day. I got my priorities straight even if my speaking is not. Skip’s new phrase is, “Mangle away, babe,” for every time I call “him” a “her”, Bella Halley and vice versa, and my favorite that i can remember right now: emphasis becomes em-phass-is. Yes, I do believe I was meant to be mute, but I was too stubborn to comply with my destiny.
Off to go watch some late-night tv and focus on not suffocating on the pollen-fueled shit congesting my head. Btw, who’s heard of Escape The Fate because I have now become obsessed with their song Situations. It’s just… funny. Happy late St. Patty’s with the green beer and Irish car bombs and all that lucky charms and green. Hope yours was the best you may never remember hehehe…
02.17.09
Holy Cupid’s Diaper Genie!
I always wondered is Cupid the incontinent demi-god, or does he just refuse to use the can like the rest of us?
Anyway, Friday began “Weekend, Ho!” as Halley liked to yell waving about her feathery pen like it was a broadsword (really gotta get me one of those frickin’ pens, they’re AWESOME- oh and a broadsword too), smacking me to and fro and leaving bits of glitter stuck to my favorite hoodie (yes, it’s Scott’s- how’d you know? ). Friday, they shove me into my bedroom and tell me to get “slutted up.” Is that ANY way for a mom and a teacher to talk? I just wish my teachers had talked like that; would’ve made Literature SO much more fun.
Back on track: I get dressed up in a pair of black skinny jeans, this perfect navy top with black lace cap sleeves, and the pair of navy t-straps that I bought on my shopping trip with Adele the other Wednesday. Btw, there are some hot guys at UGA. If only I were oh about 7 or 8 years younger, I’d be there again. *shakes head* Those were some good years…
Halley and Bella took me out to a dance club where we didn’t get S!?t-faced drunk, but we did dance and have fun until about 2 am. At midnight, all the ladies in the club got free strawberry daiquiri’s with strawberry garnish cut into heart shapes. So cute… and yummy
So, we leave the club at 2 and head back to my apartment. I went into the bathroom to change, leaving them lying on my bed- half asleep. I leave the bathroom a few minutes later, teeth brushed, face cleaned, and in my sweat pants and camisole to find them having packed up my overnight bag. “What the hell?!”
They laughed and shoved a pair of tennis shoes at me and a hoodie. “Serious guys,” I said as I put on my shoes.
“You’ll get it in a little while” was all Halley said. So, we packed ourselves into a cab, cause we don’t do the drinking and driving thing, eh? As soon as I saw Hartsfield Jackson airport, I looked at them and laughed. “So, was it y’all’s idea or his?”
“All his” they said together, making us laugh and the cabbie roll his eyes.
Two and half hours later saw me on a 6 am flight to New York City (I don’t really like flying). i watched the sunrise from my seat on the plane, wishing I was beside Scott already. He’s such a romantic! He was waiting at the gate for me with a bouquet of hot pink tulips. I threw myself at him like a junkie on a needle. We just stood there, hugging, for what seemed like forever before heading off to get in his rental- a nice black Dodge Durango- and managing rush hour traffic to get to his hotel an hour later. “So, Casanova, what are your plans for today?” I asked as we rode in the elevator, listening to some horrible instrumental of a classic song.
He cut his eyes to me, grinning. “I don’t have to work until Monday, and we have a reservation at Akita (Japanese restaurant) tonight.” He opened the door to a wrecked hotel room. “Sorry you had to the mess. I haven’t been sleeping that well.”
And… somehow it just hit me, Bam!, right in the chest. This warmth just spread from there until it reached my toes. Separated, neither of us had been able to sleep. I hugged him, hugged him like I was rooting him there, because I had realized that he was it for me. No more fear; no more games.
We slept, sort of just collapsed into his unmade bed and slept like the dead, waking up that afternoon to enjoy each others company before changing for dinner. Dinner was great. The sushi was sooo good; I ate way too much. Afterwards, we walked around the area for a while- walking for over 30 minutes- stopping only when we reached Central Park. It was the first time I had ever been to New York City, and I was loving every moment of it. Snuggled in close against the breeze that had kicked up, we walked through that little section of the enormous park in silence because it was unspoken that we both had lots of things on our minds. Halfway through, he turned us around and walked us back the way we came.
“I’ve been thinking,” he started before breaking off with a shake of his head. He waited a few beats and started again. “This week really got me thinking, about me, you- us.”
I grabbed his arm. “Don’t tell me that you are breaking up with me after how perfect today was!”
He smiled down at me, and the wind wasn’t an issue anymore. He reached into his pocket and excitement gripped me in its adrenaline filled clutches. My hands began to sweat, and I was shaking. He pulled out the famous baby blue box, and I practically passed out. To spend that kind of money only meant one purpose. Then, he said, “Breathe, Picante, breathe.” He opened the box, blinding me with a ring so beautiful that I began to hyperventilate. It’s a platinum ring, round diamond center stone surrounded by diamonds with diamonds on the band and on the base of the setting.
(It makes my heart speed up just catching a glance at it on my finger)
“But… No… It’s…”
“Trust fund, darling. Haven’t spent not a bit of it since college- except for our vacation last year.” He removed the brilliance from its box and picked up my hand, sliding it onto the right finger. it was only then that I realized that his hands were shaking. “Don’t think of it as an engagement ring, yet. Think of this as a Valentine’s Day gift, and maybe later, when you’re ready, it’ll be your wedding ring.”
“I will marry you,” I blurted, my voice volume on the fritz as it came out louder than I planned. “Someday,” I added with a smile.
Shock showed across his face for a second before he laughed and swung me around. “Wasn’t expecting that, Lina, Damn!”
“Well, I wasn’t expecting a ring worth more than the contents of our apartment.” As we continued on our walk back in the direction of the hotel, I told him about our shared insomnia leading to the epiphany.
He laughed at that description saying something along the lines of I made him feel that way all the time. Again, I hate being behind in the story. I like being the one ahead of the game. Ah, well, love shouldn’t really be a game anyway; the players get hurt in the end.
I flew back to Atlanta on Monday, never taking my eyes off the ring on my finger. I caught one the rare cabs to my apartment, where Bella and Halley had converged to hear about the trip. They had had no idea that he was going to give me a ring, so they flipped out when I showed them. I feel like I’m following some herd of women in white dresses headed for nothing, but then again, Scott did promise that it could be just a ring until I wanted otherwise. I think he’s just so much more traditional than me that he has to make these little steps toward a more “normal” lifestyle. Normal is attainable and overrated. Why be the easy-out of normality when you can work and enjoy being unique, different.
Only a few more days and Skippy’ll be back. I miss him because I have to sleep in more clothes and blankets to make up for the loss of his crazy-hot body heat; I know the dogs miss him, since they sleep in his spot every night and are always lying there whenever I walk into the bedroom. He told me that since he’s doing so well in NYC that he sort of got a promotion (executive department rather than lowly editor!) and might be doing a lot of work from home, conference calls and the like. Other than the obvious more time with each other, this also means that he’ll be going on more business trips. He added that the company is replacing his old (but not so old) laptop with a new Mac. Yay!!
Off to stare at my hand while I talk to Scott, what a damn big ass rock!
02.02.09
Frickin’ Brrr!!!
Scott and I went on our first official date since Christmas. He took me back to the dance club, that we hadn’t been to in a year. He took me to “break in” my new shoes. The heels I ordered from Victoria’s Secret are awesome. They fit perfectly and only hurt for the first 5 minutes. Other than the heels, I was wearing this beautiful, short, red strapless dress that I had bought forever ago with a black lace bolero and black ribbon tied around my waist. Thank you Halley for letting me steal the bolero. I’ve never been much of a fan, but the look on Scott’s face as he brushed his fingers over my shoulders makes me wanna go buy a million of them.
I wore my long, tailored black wool peacoat over it and still froze my ass off. When we got to the club, Scott did his hand shake/man-hug thing with the doorman while I kept my feet moving for the warmth. Once in the club, I let the combination of body heat, good drinks, and good music wash over me. I’m usually all about the hard rock and southern stuff, but blues and jazz just do something to me. They take me back in time to another place… another person… another life.
Jon was sitting at a table with a pretty white-haired woman. She stood up to hug me. “Lovely to meet you,” she said in a very strong cajun accent. “I’m Adelaide, but everybody calls me Tee-doo.”
Jon laughed. “Only her family calls her that. Adele, would you signal Freddy for some drinks?”
And, with that, I made my entrance back into a real life. “Scat” and I, along with the elaborately dressed Adele and Jon, danced until I thought my feet were going to go on strike. But, it was a good hurt; it was a hurt that I needed, for the physical pain was something I knew would fade away, but the memories would still be there. Besides, I had done enough of the lazy thing and was not going to get out of shape.
I made a new friend Saturday night. Adele is funny, albeit incoherent when she’s over-excited, and she loves shopping. She had been wearing this short, flowing dark purple skirt with a crisp white blouse and matching purple, high-heeled mary janes. We are going shopping in Athens on Wednesday, with a quick stop-off at UGA to visit her son. I cannot wait. As soon as we got back home, I started looking through my closet, searching for something to wear. I put off the search for a decent hour when Scott grabbed me and toted me in a fireman’s carry to the bed.
I have news! Bella and Jack are finally getting married! The date is set for May 1. This means I get to go through the entire mess again. However, Bella made a shite load of money while she was working at the hospital, and Jack is a rich s.o.b., so I have a guess she’s gonna go all out. I don’t care- as long as I get another good pair of shoes out of the deal. I love my shoes almost as much as I love my books *slaps head* Shut up brain! Love the books!!
I just got an email from Bella, and she said – in all caps- that the wedding is going to be on Jekyll Island. She practically grew up on the island with her grandmother; its the perfect place. She also says that she’s going with this bridesmaid dress, but she hasn’t been able to decide on the color. Give me some input, and I’ll make sure it gets back to her. Personally, the Apple, Marine, and Clover are my favorites. I love how my friends buy designer and/or couture wedding gowns and then go to Davids Bridal for the wedding party. I’m in no way dissing Davids Bridal, because I love the place; I’m going there whenever I finally catch up with Scott and we get married.
I’ll put money on Bella getting a cocktail or tea-length wedding dress. Jack’s family won’t like it, but too bad- the snobs. She picked a beach scene wedding and somewhat casual bridesmaid dresses, oh yeah, she’ll even go barefoot I bet.
Scott saw me looking at this dress, and said, “Perfect. When are we getting married, so I know to get my tux cleaned.” I, of course, fell off the couch. Alas, he’s right. It is the perfect dress, and I’ve looked at enough of them between 2 sisters, multiple cousins, friends, and Halley that I know exactly what I like. He makes me want to bash his head in sometimes, but there are others, like the comment, that make me want to order it right away. Sometimes, it feels like we’re just going through a really long engagement.
I am so getting me some purple shoes Wednesday. They’ll go perfect with a black skirt, white top, and this chunky purple jewelry that Jesse gave me for my birthday.
Well, I’m off to pull out some more hair over getting my taxes ready. Yay…
01.25.09
Stone Cold Sober & Chilly
For those who I’ve worried with my hugemongo breakdown, I’m doing better. I am now going to work for small bits of time everyday and can sleep without the crying jag or inebriance. I still find myself staring off into lala land, ignoring people like someone’s gonna come by and drop another life changer on my head. Without the drink, I am now the coldest person in the Southeast. Thank goodness the warm air moved in for a little while to ease the breeze.
So, Scott took me on a shopping spree today. It was an internet spree since it was nasty out, but we got dressed for a public journey and sat at the coffee table eating his wonderful potato soup, which was such a flashback. See Official First Date. I haven’t been shopping in a month. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Scott said that we were celebrating Valentine’s Day early. I asked why, of course. I like my holidays where they are, chronological order and all. He looked a little sad and said that he’ll be in New York on business that entire week.
So, I had a cow. I flipped out since it is impossible for me to sleep without him now. I admit it, I am forever stuck on the big booger. He promised that he would have his phone on him at ALL times, and it was ok if I called and interrupted a meeting, no matter how important and such- even if it was just to hear his voice. I hugged him, and we proceeded to work out my budget for my comeback to the world of the living.
Which I blew the majority of at Victoria’s Secret and on a grand bag from Dooney & Bourke.
The Shoe Addict is back and will be kickin’ her heels as soon as these babies come in. I wish my legs looked like that in effing January! I admit I keep them looking good, but they are some pale sticks, albeit soft ones.
Hello mama!
I mean, how can you not feel better when you’re struttin’ your stuff in these? Admittedly, this makes me look a little shallow, but I get my healing where I can. I got some very pretty, boyfriend-friendly, under garments. I just love vicky’s secret. So comfy but so sexy.
On a sour note, I have yet to turn my phone back on, and my personal email account is probably feeling very lonely. However, I just really don’t feel like talking to any of my family right now. Just like when my dad died, I will heal on my own with my non-biological family up here in Atlanta, where I belong. Halley and Bella had put me under suicide watch… when Scott wasn’t making sure I continued to take breaths, that is. They are the greatest. Edward sent over a cd of songs. A lot of it was country and about cheating or drinking. Got me to laughing at least. Jack’s contributions were to keep Baby Leigh (so Bella could come spend time with Halley and me) and some homemade Cheese Bread (he is quite the baker- when he gets the time).
They are the reason I got out of my funk. Besides the useless threats of doing harm upon my person and harmless jokes to get me to keep up a showering routine, they were there for me. Even Jesse showed up with a bottle of wine and a message from Ray. *sigh* I love redneck Ray. I figured I had way too much to live for to dwell on dead people for too long. I guess, eventually, my curiousity will get the better of me, and I’ll go searching for that unknown family, but until then, I’m enjoying the one I don’t share DNA with… it seems to work best that way.
I am truly blessed, something I guess I don’t say enough.
01.16.09
Who Am I?
Dazed
Dumbstruck
Dangerously Depressed
It is official… I have lost all faith in humanity. We lie to, cheat on, hurt, and steal from each other. Lies are the scars on the soul. I knew I was different; had this feeling that all was not as it should be. I see my mother in a new light; I love her and feel disappointed in her all in the same breath. I am the product of a lie. I feel as if I could sit in a shower hours and still come out with dirt upon me, for it is not a physical uncleanliness. My father’s indiscretions cannot be scoured from my soul just as I cannot change what DNA courses through my veins.
My father cheated on my mother. Not only was he married before her, divorced after a mere year with this unnamed woman, but he had an affair. This relationship almost destroyed their marriage, for my dad had intended to leave my mom and older siblings for this other woman. Some hippy folk singer with a passion for appaloosas. This other woman died, and I am her child.
The veil has been lifted, and I am furious without it. I am speechless. I haven’t been to work in a week. Scott rocks me to sleep every night, the dear. If my father weren’t dead, I fear what I may have done to him. My mind cannot focus on anything other than the thought of who I am- or rather who I’m not… anymore. I’m not Daddy’s Little Girl- or I am and that’s why mama and I consistently bumped heads… the thought of the arguments my mama and I had play constantly through my head. I cannot seem to cease the self-inflicted torture… imagining every unsaid thing during our famous fights.
How could I possibly marry now?! How could I possibly not drive a man crazy with my ingrained paranoia and fear?!
Shit
I am so angry that I am just numb
I wanna stand in the street and scream at people. Scream at them for being so cruel. This wars with my need to scream at my mama for taking him back, taking my infant self into her life. And my urge to hug her forever and thank her for loving me when she didn’t have to.
I am a broken person, caught in an internal version of all Hell let lose.
Nobody ever tells me anything… until it’s too late.
12.27.08
It’s Christmas (Part 1)
As I sit here listening to my Ipod (set to shuffle), I get to relax for the first time in 2 weeks. The Alabamians have ended their conquering of my apartment, heading home this morning after being in Atlanta since Christmas Eve. Scott never looked as happy as when he was sitting at our kitchen table surrounded by his loud relatives. It was only a few days, but it felt like the Inquisition! His mother constantly made not-so-subtle remarks about my naked ring finger, and his brother hit on me… literally, we wrestled in the living room over the aspects of some novel. I won, of course.
Skinny Me was there. EEK! It was disastorous at first. I should’ve been wearing a black and white shirt I refereed so many arguments, but I don’t look good in stripes. lol
So, Christmas this year was a very toned event for me, gift-wise. I got Skippy this black tie with red reindeer on it- very sophisticated looking, a new pair of brown shoes from Bass, (He’s hard to buy for- Bigfoot) and a couple of new shirts and stuff. I can’t buy him other stuff because he’s got everything he wants, and buying him things like a neck massager or whatever would just be lame.
He got me a red cashmere sweater to replace the one I can’t find, a knock-off Gucci bag (*inward scream* It looks so real and is soooo pretty) some books by Harmon Leon (Google him- he is hilarious), and a pair of dangly diamond earrings and matching necklace. It makes me feel bad that he got me more than I got him, but I got over it real quick like.
We went down to Savannah last weekend for my mother’s annual Christmas party. I got drunk off my face and had loads of fun- I guess… teehee. All I remember is waking up next to Scott in my Birthday suit… in my old bedroom. Awkwardest breakfast EVER. When I asked Scott if I did anything embarassing, he only shrugged and said, “Not really. Only if you count falling on your ass in the front yard, almost flashing the entire neighborhood.”
Note to self: Never go to Savannah again and never wear short dresses again. But it was this cute little red, satin number that I wore with some t-straps.
Next post I will tell you about my *sigh* 30th Birthday… I”M OLD!!! When did this happen and how!!
09.26.08
Seconds Anyone?
As you may well know, Scott and I have been looking at houses and talking about buying one together. This is a fast move for me since we’ve only been dating for what will be a year on Thanksgiving Eve. However, I haven’t been complaining because I love the crazy man to death.
Anyways, we’ve been getting into the whole living together thing, and let me tell you, we are having a ball!! It’s like he never even had to go through that whole adaption period that plagues some couples. He’s been such a good boy that I’ve forgiven the stressed version of him (which is annoyingly scary btw). He’s show his gratitude by being home from work at decent hours and working with me to cook dinner. I’ve fallen into this relaxed domesticity that I’ve gotten to where I don’t bitch about having to clean up my messes. Who’s growing up?! *raises hand* That’d be me!
Well, the past few nights, after the dogs have been walked and are laying on our feet and we’re snuggled up in my… excuse me OUR *does a little jig*… bed, we’ve been talking (or holding meetings as I call it) where we discuss stuff or just talk about our day. Well, we’ve come to a realization after several nights of discussion… moving is bad for our relationship. I was the first one to suggest it while his mind was on a tangent that I will not mention, but he agreed heartily once I reminded him of me pushing him over to hit his head on the tv stand while he was being a lunatic over having to pay half a months rent. Yeah, I had to get violent with him a few times to make him see the light. And, NO, I don’t mean the literal light at the end of the tunnel. I would never go that far with Skippy. lol
So, I suggested we put off House-a-palooza 2008 and just focus on us. He said that palooza would be making a comeback in ‘09, and I punched him in the shoulder. He grinned, brought up the thought tangent as a matter of business for our meeting; I seconded the motion. I am such a dork! Hey, who said all that terminology you learn in college would go to waste?
Who’s got raunchy maroon 5 songs stuck in their head? Me!…. and I like it! lol Have a great weekend! I’m off to have another meeting with my man
