Dazed

Dumbstruck

Dangerously Depressed

It is official… I have lost all faith in humanity. We lie to, cheat on, hurt, and steal from each other. Lies are the scars on the soul. I knew I was different; had this feeling that all was not as it should be. I see my mother in a new light; I love her and feel disappointed in her all in the same breath. I am the product of a lie. I feel as if I could sit in a shower hours and still come out with dirt upon me, for it is not a physical uncleanliness. My father’s indiscretions cannot be scoured from my soul just as I cannot change what DNA courses through my veins.

My father cheated on my mother. Not only was he married before her, divorced after a mere year with this unnamed woman, but he had an affair. This relationship almost destroyed their marriage, for my dad had intended to leave my mom and older siblings for this other woman. Some hippy folk singer with a passion for appaloosas. This other woman died, and I am her child.

The veil has been lifted, and I am furious without it. I am speechless. I haven’t been to work in a week. Scott rocks me to sleep every night, the dear. If my father weren’t dead, I fear what I may have done to him. My mind cannot focus on anything other than the thought of who I am- or rather who I’m not… anymore. I’m not Daddy’s Little Girl- or I am and that’s why mama and I consistently bumped heads… the thought of the arguments my mama and I had play constantly through my head. I cannot seem to cease the self-inflicted torture… imagining every unsaid thing during our famous fights.

How could I possibly marry now?! How could I possibly not drive a man crazy with my ingrained paranoia and fear?!

Shit

I am so angry that I am just numb

I wanna stand in the street and scream at people. Scream at them for being so cruel. This wars with my need to scream at my mama for taking him back, taking my infant self into her life. And my urge to hug her forever and thank her for loving me when she didn’t have to.

I am a broken person, caught in an internal version of all Hell let lose.

Nobody ever tells me anything… until it’s too late.